Please enable JavaScript

Kiss Me Through the Phone

Kiss Me Through the Phone

May 17, 2016

Joanna Neumegen

Content warning: references to body image and eating disorders.

self-objectification: developing a sense of agency in the eyes of other people

Layer #1
On love

heaving dry tears
lie to myself
please
don’t leave me alone too long

vultures
leeches

in my dream he walks into the bathroom
while i’m taking a shower
aren’t you tired always making amends
i can’t give much anymore

because my limbs are heavy

im addicted to sex 4 affirmation

im so passive
im so aggressive
i feel nothing because my feelings are so overwhelming

i love drugs for how much they numb me
inside i am the saddest person
problem child
stray dog
lead chain
vomit bowl

he’s into freaks he’s into me cos i am a freak
*check his twitter*
*check his Instagram*
but I’m like totally over it

Layer #2
Abject alien

So many unsent Snapchat videos where you just stare at yourself
Abject reality
She was run over while she re watched a Snapchat video of herself while crossing the road

Sufferers of eating disorders perceive their body from a third person perspective and increasingly technology is conditioning a change in human brain circuitry. The population of online users have evolved to be locked in an allocentric perception of self. Apps are reality outlets that are simultaneously private and public domains and content that is uploaded is both instantaneous and performed. Ephemeral self presentation is  often exercised as an inadvertent seduction technique to present a convincing display of value and assets to potential partners, lovers are connected and romanced through language and imagery. A hyper customised micro me-centric world is created, locked in a cycle of self-fulfilling chronic obsessive narcissism, users are anticipate immediate social response in the form of notification alerts from Apps because affirmation and attention are now interpreted as care.

Power is experienced through the most apparently unremarkable of things. Dominance is exercised through social structures of censorship and denial under the guise of supposed self-fashioning and agency in neoliberalism. There are layers of surveillance between lovers, between our politicised data bodies and between the state. Users are self-objectified objects of surveillance being surveilled, the rights to user content belongs to the App company which is implicitly agreed to in small print terms and conditions when an App is downloaded to their Smart Phone. Social media are value-producing platforms facilitating different modes of self-expression and presentation. Video-based Snapchat, image-based Instagram, text-based Twitter breed mutations of self-presentation of the subject. Personas built per platform a kind of self-fashioning which creates an illusion that users are in control of their presentation.

“do you know how many photos I had to get my sister to take of me to get that thigh gap”

“they were only friends with me cos of my Instagram follower count”

Private histories in public domains, agency over presentation, #multiplicity, #insecurity, #mindgames and #powergames, #collectivesharedpain, #Politicisedbodies, #AllocentricPerception,  #OtherAsAlien, #AbjectIdealism, #CumInMeDaddy, #ApatheticCamouflage, #CultOfAuthenticity, #TheTrueSelf, #TheIdealSelf, #NewProductionOfSubjectivity, #ObjectsofSurveillance #BeingSurveilled #PathologicalIdentities, #DisposableProduction, #RapidConsumption, #MutualPoisoning, #DematerialisedelfPresentation, #Fixity, #Essentialism

Layer #3
On love

i feel deeply
it fades
i lose feeling quickly
sense of urgency to find distraction
scared he’ll move on without me
does his body still respond to me like mine does to his
does he desire me like i desire him

baby i dry hump my pillow imagining im fucking you
i miss the way you held me touched me you said i have the softest skin

i prefer the fantasy
it’s the need to deflect attention away from reality
nothing get me more wet than your absence
i tell u i swallow
like i swallow my panic

like baby
i want to be with baby
i’m scared baby will forget me
i’m scared i will forget baby
i am baby
on my insides

Layer #4
On love

“omg you read my twitter that’s meant to be private”

“well it was THERE”

Subtweeting: noun. writing tweets about you without explicitly saying they about you

Online micro cultures thrive due to their relatability, to share and confide in collective pain when public and private domains collide. The subtweet about your man is shared as a collective pain by other women, retweeted 487 times. Immaterial heartbreak is the new normal, relationships end when you lurk his Instagram likes and find he’s doing you dirty and liking pictures of other girls that look nothing like you.

“whats the wi-fi password?”

i’m looking for love
to pour myself into someone else
hold you like baby
sleep between my thighs
i want you to cum inside me
i don’t know i think it’s meaningful
yours when you cum inside me
he so desperately wanted to fuck me raw
it must have come from a place of passion
right?

i never felt worthy
so I let him take me
and gave him everything
his empty eyes
humans hurt one another
trust no one
seek revenge

there are some things best kept in, act accordingly
be a bit guarded
be careful what you say
that was off script
i shouldnt say that
it’s breaking the illusion

illusions are perfect distractions
look at me but don’t look at me
i want only you and all of you but you want all of me and others too

take 100 selfies to find your truth

obsessive infatuation
pour yourself into me distract me from myself
i become you
i’m not complete without you
pining, “you complete me”

it’s between you and me
ill keep your secrets
i won’t tell a soul
i’ve never told anyone before but
here you can be yourself
just think of me as the pages in your diary
your secrets are safe with me

“I heard some rumour at the start of high school that she was real into anal”

“nah she just did anal when she was 14 lol”

self-deprecation is exhibitionism
focus on me
i want to be held in your gaze
in its capacity
not to be forgotten again
i want to haunt you baby
make a deep impression
my absence is a lesson to you

Layer #5
Bulimic busted tooth bitch

Adolescent girl with impaired spatial cognition writes in her diary switching between subjectivities “I” and “she.” Oscillating between frames of egocentricity: body as reference of first-person experience, and allocentricity: body as object in the physical world:

She is afraid to be a woman. If she were to be re-enacted one cannot forget to mimic the thick fattened ankles. Ankles which are bespeckled with purple and red. Thick, fat arms also bespeckled with curious purple pimples. The difficult overhang which sits above the waist. The small breasts, the primitive flat feet, droopy cheeks and awful smile. She is afraid to be a woman. She is thick in all areas of her body. One cannot forget her high forehead. Her uneven skin texture. She now understands her cries are eclipsed. She dreams of terror. Of reaction. Of consequence. Perhaps only in some terrible accident she will be noticed. She is a beast, yet she is frail in her soul. I never felt more alone. But I have felt this ugly before. She holds back tears. Inside she is a fragile mess. She is a broken beast. She will surrender in silence.

—Diary excerpt from the writer aged 16, Udon Thani, Thailand, 2007

The interaction between long- and short-term memory processes in spatial cognition have been impaired through trauma, social and parental conditioning. The egocentric sensory inputs are unable to update the contents of the allocentric representation of the body instead the subject is locked into it. Locked to an allocentric representation of their body, stored in their long-term memory: the allocentric lock. An inordinate burden of meaning is placed on outside signs, external feedback constitutes a self-image – a kind of self-objectification in which one is constantly viewing oneself from the perspective of a third party. Identity takes shape in the eyes of other people with cold eyes and cruel hearts. The subjects identity now defined as other, as alien, as unworthy, as abject. Succumbing to a concealed illness using the body as an expression of that pain.

Impaired brain circuitry is re-wired, dopamine transmitters that should give a sense of reward and incentive are not well-developed, instead the subject seeks reward elsewhere in immediate affirmation, in risky behaviour, in addiction. Outlets include a chronic obsessive production of self-presentation online and a mix between bulimia and orthorexia. Addictive behaviour has an intended purpose: to soothe pain, to escape stress.

I can empower my difference as other because of anti YT safe spaces in secret Facebook groups that empower radical brown hotties. I like being different but dont get me wrong most of the time i feel like a detached alien.

“she’s got body problems”

the becoming of an object of surveillance
self-objectification: developing a sense of agency in the eyes of other people
searching for signs of yourself
an abject non-human
apathetic camouflage

“resist the urge to purge”
staring at vomit tied in 3 plastic bags
staring in the mirror for ages
*feel something*

obsessive
how to control controlling behaviour
compulsive
impulsive
impaired
trauma of becoming
spawn pathological identities
problems with identity
of becomings
of multiplicity

but have you told her you love her
we dont do things that way
you show a person you dont tell them all the time
i dont think you understand our family
we dont need to prove anything to her
she knows we love her

marry your illness
you watch yourself die
you are a symptom
you sold me a dream
come back to me
i forget what i look like

that dream i had regretful tattoos
only you can truly know what you regret
but that regret is not forever or eternal on your body
symbology of being marked
attention drawn to your body
signify anxiety

Layer #6
Mama

milk and betel leaves
marked body for sex
a young asian bride
mamas body marked
told im the spawn of a sexual commodity
power contract sex contract
body renouncement
it is learned
inhibit me inhabit me

Layer #7
On Trauma

that girl with the flare jeans and chunky sneakers
anorexic waif
boobless wearing a leather boob tube
pixie dream girl smoking in the corner
she got a big forehead
but it’s cute on her
the wiry blonde hair
tucked behind her ears
just so
think Fiona Apple MTV unplugged look
desire me?
not waif half white
fat ass
bulimic busted tooth bitch

heartbreak premonition
the lights were on but the door was closed

i only want to haunt you
my greatest revenge
for you to look for me in others
if i do these leg toning exercises everyday
will they stop working?
comparative envy
when you go to a garden what flowers are picked
the most beautiful
exactly
if you love it then i love it
i’m a vessel
i’m empty
talk that sick talk
my virgin blood spilt
on a white skirt
that i stole off my sister
you forced yourself into my little body
but i thought of mama
pleaded mama wouldnt want this for me
i want my first time to be special
i never felt desired before
maybe thats why
im turning on myself

play victim
i hate other addicts
mutual poisoning
trapped in my trauma
i have been sixteen for seven years
mercurial jitterbug

the anorexic girl
she recovered
but her facebook profile pic is from her glory days
i guess you could call it

we’re sisters
in this together
groom me
sister delighting in her thinness
her traumatic becoming
carrying a seven year burden
a lifetime of grooming
to be desired

white passing to fit in
you should be a pornstar
wait does he only think of me objectively
keep my head down
ass up
when he was about to cum he said
“this might sound weird”
“i want to see your lips”
cryptic crumbs
i hope you dont talk to anyone like you talk to me
i want my first time to be special

Joanna Neumegen is an artist and writer currently residing in Auckland, New Zealand.